


Self Destruct

by mentalseadolphin



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Eating Disorders, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I understand, M/M, victor is a good finance, yuuri is a sad lil baby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 16:59:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11673309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mentalseadolphin/pseuds/mentalseadolphin
Summary: The reflection Yuuri saw was distasteful, repulsive, vulgar, and that can’t even explain half of it. He noticed the stretch marks sprawled across his larger thighs, the bruises and scars peppered across his waist. Rolls of fat hung off his stomach, bloated and very, very, noticeable.He stares in complete disgust, pinching a ball of fat, hoping, wishing, for it to disappear. Yuuri knows it isn’t that easy, oh how he knows, but frustration bubbles, his grip tightening on his stomach. It becomes red from pressure, his fingers trembling ever so slightly. But he’s trembling.





	Self Destruct

The reflection Yuuri saw was distasteful, repulsive, vulgar, and that can’t even explain half of it. He noticed the stretch marks sprawled across his larger thighs, the bruises and scars peppered across his waist. Rolls of fat hung off his stomach, bloated and very, very, noticeable

He stares in complete disgust, pinching a ball of fat, hoping, wishing, for it to disappear. Yuuri knows it isn’t that easy, oh how he knows, but frustration bubbles, his grip tightening on his stomach. It becomes red from pressure, his fingers trembling ever so slightly. But he’s trembling.

It’s fine, Yuuri tells himself, because he’ll work it off, it’ll disappear in weeks time. He’s just not looking forward to the pig related nicknames, or the shameless comments on his weight. He’s not looking forward to being anxious, the concern that comes with each meal, or the fear of how many calories he can consume on a day to day basis. How silly. Yuuri was aware how silly these thoughts were. He was being overly sensitive, anxiety acting up again. That didn’t stop the pain in his chest, his heart thumping loud and blood rushing to his head. That doesn’t stop the sweat beading off his hands. That doesn’t stop the lingered glances, thinking “oh how I’m not enough, I’ll never be enough”.

Before he knows it, his knees hit the tile floor, two fingers on his tongue and tears welling up in his eyes. He shouldn’t result to this, he’s not that desperate, is he? When Yuuri starts gagging, he’s become acquainted with the fact that there’s no going back. He’ll only spiral out of control, with each passing day, hour, minute, second, getting worse and worse. And all of this pain, suffering, is all self-inflicted. 

Nobody forced him to do this. Nobody caused him to do this. It was all himself. Himself. All his fault. There’s nothing he can do about it.

Victor is becoming more and more distant, like he’s a problem to work around rather than a finance to love. During all of this, this suffocating, crushing, time, he’s never once thought to go to Victor, to seek help. It’s all his fault. He can’t seek help for something he did to himself, now can he? It’ll only make him look foolish, immature, dumb.

One day, while sitting on the sofa, a book clasped in Victor’s right hand, he stares at Yuuri. His eyes travel up and down his body, like he’s properly analyzing him. Silence all of a sudden becomes too much, Yuuri prays that Victor will say something, anything to end this tension.  
He does. Say something. But that something doesn’t end the tension, it only creates more, the small living room and their apartment becoming more tense. 

“Yuuri” Victor speaks, his tone incredibly soft. Yuuri closes his eyes, ready for the impact, ready for Victor to say “I know what you’re doing, I don’t love a selfish man like you anymore”, he’s ready to pack up his things and leave this life him and Victor have built together.

“Yuuri… you’ve been losing weight. Fast. Really fast.” Victor drops his book, the book making a thump noise when it reaches the wooden ground. That’s… unexpected. But it’ll come, Yuuri can’t let his guard down.

“..ye..s I have..” Yuuri talks slowly, fiddling this his thumbs while his nerves become equally as unbearable as his body. Victor’s lips are in a thin line, his brows furrowed together. His eyes don’t shine, don’t sparkle, but instead look gloomy and dark, like a rainy day rather than a sunny one.

With each syllable, Yuuri becomes nervous all over again, heart beating so loud that’s all he can hear. “.. Yuuri, I can” Victor’s voice cracks, like he’s the one experiencing all this pain. “Yuuri” he repeats, voice sad. Yuuri wants nothing more than to take that sadness away, to truly let Victor free, to let him escape Yuuri’s problematic thoughts.

“I can hear you throw up every night. I can hear you cry. Yuuri…. What are you doing to yourself?”

Yuuri notices the tears dripping from Victor’s eyes, he can feel his own tears guzzle down, each splat on the floor becoming louder than the last. “I’m… sorry” Yuuri whispers, tear after tear dripping and dripping.

Victor looks beautiful when he cries. He’s untouchable, unfazed by society, and yet here he is. Crying, gorgeously, when Yuuri’s become corrupted by his own mind, being played like a puppet not by someone else, but himself. “I’m sorry” Yuuri wails, because he’s never been so sorry.

He let himself get this far, he pushed himself, he became weak and fell. Only the strong ones deserve to stand, deserve someone as wonderful and kind as Victor Nikiforov. A little attention, just a smidge, and Yuuri let it get to his head. None of this was supposed to happen, he was supposed to stay Yuuri Katsuki, chubby man who couldn’t get a date to save his life, Yuuri Katsuki who failed at figure skating, Yuuri Katsuki a failure just in general. He should’ve been forgotten, he should have perished long ago, but here he was. Creating issues and affecting the one he loves most.

Yuuri can feel a hand snake its way to his back, rubbing soothing circles across his large tee. Yuuri starts crying harder, everything pouring out of him like there’s no tomorrow, like this is his last moment on this earth. Victor mumbles reassurance, saying it’s okay it’s okay, but deep down Yuuri knows he knows it isn’t okay.

But maybe… it will be. Victor’s lips meet his neck, hot and comforting, and Yuuri wants nothing more than to be held. Yuuri isn’t the type of person to be held, Yuuri isn’t the type of person who seeks pity, but right now, Yuuri wants someone to love on him, make him feel safe, make him feel at home. Victor… Victor is the only who can make him feel those feelings.

Muttering his request, Victor pulls the smaller man onto his lap, wrapping his long arms around his frail body. Yuuri buries his face into Victor’s neck, sobbing and sobbing, and sobbing, while Victor’s fingers card through raven hair.

“You can get better… Yuuri, this isn’t your fault…” 

Yuuri wants to disagree, but he’s far too tired for that. Exhaustion washes over him, and he’s done playing, done “tricking” Victor into thinking he’s okay. He falls asleep in Victor’s arms that night. 

Maybe he’s broken. No, he’s most certainly broken. Maybe he can’t be fixed. Or maybe he can. He can’t predict the result, nobody can, not even Victor, but he can hope. And he will hope. Victor is here for him, Victor has saved him from drowning so, so, many times without realizing it. He can try to get better, for his sake, and for Victor’s. 

 

   

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic was written based off of my personal feelings and my personally struggles. So I'm sorry if I didn't portray Yuuri 100% accurate, I really did give it my best. I hope the fic was enjoyable, I've been trying out different writing styles and I've been trying to expand my ability as an author. Thank you for reading, I deeply appreciate it!


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